oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
