she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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