I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
