i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
he quoted the bible to break up with me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
