does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
