My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
