That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we're making bets on your personal life
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
