is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
