If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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