Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize