I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize