whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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