You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
