Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
