is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
