It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
