you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
