I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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