I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
