At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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