Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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