he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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