Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
