it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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