Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
