Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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