Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
