That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
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Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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