Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
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last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
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She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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