If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
