what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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