dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
