I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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