She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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