last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
