I wish I could punch you in the face.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
