Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
