I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
