Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
