Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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