Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
