I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
