I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
