Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
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I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
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Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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