you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
