i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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