you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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