You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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