no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
