I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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