too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
