Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
