she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
