mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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