OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
