Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
